In Which Life Has Changed
It's been a long time since my last blog post.
...
Isn't that what every blogger says though? They apologize, they offer a reason, an excuse, and then they attempt to charge forward past their mistakes, promising more updates, more content if you'll only keep reading.
Luckily if you're following this you already know I've accepted that I'm not that kind of blogger, because I never promised regular updates in the first place. Read this or not, I'll write just the same.
I've found that I only have so many "writing" points in me on a daily basis. Very rarely can I write for hours on end, typing away until my hands ache and I notice it's dark outside. More often I write until I feel like I've gotten it out of my system, like it's a craving to be filled until the mood strikes me again.
Sometimes I use my points up on journaling, sometimes on little writing projects or submissions for various publications. Sometimes I start a story and then watch as it fizzles out in the middle. Sometimes I write a blog post and throw it out into the world to find it's way.
But I digress. Really what I wanted to touch on today was what is in the title; how my life has changed since October.
In short, everything and nothing.
I'm going to keep it vague because of Internet stranger danger and all that, but I've left my job of ten years, and I now have the free time to adventure as I see fit (until the money runs out, that is). Do I have trips planned? You bet I do, and I'll write exciting trip reports and gear reviews after I return (or maybe I won't). I'm going to visit friends and family that I've neglected for years. I've starting organizing my life and possessions, get everything in order for the next step, whatever it may be.
I've never been so free and so terrified at the same time.
I'm at this crossroads in my life where there is a safe choice for me to make, and there's a completely unsafe choice. I could take my trips, I could come back and take the 9-5 job that pays well enough for a vacation a year and I could display pictures on my desk and tell everyone of the few months where I was an explorer.
Or I could tackle life.
I could take a job that is fulfilling to my heart but not my wallet. I could take a job that will in no way prepare me for a better job down the road. I could strike out on my own, writing in an old notebook in coffee shops while I watch rejection letters roll in. I could do nothing and drink tea in an airstream on the beach and watch the sunset every night.
As always, my fears are the same as anyones. What if I fail? What if I have to tell everyone that I've failed? In the days of social media, no one ever gets the privilege of failing in private any more. What if I end up poor and years down the road with nothing to show for the things that I've done? I've been successful in a career for so long, that the idea of stagnating professionally is crushing, even though I know that choosing to stagnate professionally may mean I grow emotionally.
I'm sitting around, waiting for someone else to make a choice for me and knowing that I'll eventually have to make it myself. I'm waiting for a sign from the universe, but knowing that I might ignore it when it does show itself.
Have you ever been at a crossroads like this? Each way is a dusty road that looks a little familiar. Each way could lead to home or a strange town or simply to a canyon edge, the drop-off stretching low before me.
I bet that canyon view is beautiful during a sunset.
...
Isn't that what every blogger says though? They apologize, they offer a reason, an excuse, and then they attempt to charge forward past their mistakes, promising more updates, more content if you'll only keep reading.
Luckily if you're following this you already know I've accepted that I'm not that kind of blogger, because I never promised regular updates in the first place. Read this or not, I'll write just the same.
I've found that I only have so many "writing" points in me on a daily basis. Very rarely can I write for hours on end, typing away until my hands ache and I notice it's dark outside. More often I write until I feel like I've gotten it out of my system, like it's a craving to be filled until the mood strikes me again.
Sometimes I use my points up on journaling, sometimes on little writing projects or submissions for various publications. Sometimes I start a story and then watch as it fizzles out in the middle. Sometimes I write a blog post and throw it out into the world to find it's way.
But I digress. Really what I wanted to touch on today was what is in the title; how my life has changed since October.
In short, everything and nothing.
I'm going to keep it vague because of Internet stranger danger and all that, but I've left my job of ten years, and I now have the free time to adventure as I see fit (until the money runs out, that is). Do I have trips planned? You bet I do, and I'll write exciting trip reports and gear reviews after I return (or maybe I won't). I'm going to visit friends and family that I've neglected for years. I've starting organizing my life and possessions, get everything in order for the next step, whatever it may be.
I've never been so free and so terrified at the same time.
I'm at this crossroads in my life where there is a safe choice for me to make, and there's a completely unsafe choice. I could take my trips, I could come back and take the 9-5 job that pays well enough for a vacation a year and I could display pictures on my desk and tell everyone of the few months where I was an explorer.
Or I could tackle life.
I could take a job that is fulfilling to my heart but not my wallet. I could take a job that will in no way prepare me for a better job down the road. I could strike out on my own, writing in an old notebook in coffee shops while I watch rejection letters roll in. I could do nothing and drink tea in an airstream on the beach and watch the sunset every night.
As always, my fears are the same as anyones. What if I fail? What if I have to tell everyone that I've failed? In the days of social media, no one ever gets the privilege of failing in private any more. What if I end up poor and years down the road with nothing to show for the things that I've done? I've been successful in a career for so long, that the idea of stagnating professionally is crushing, even though I know that choosing to stagnate professionally may mean I grow emotionally.
I'm sitting around, waiting for someone else to make a choice for me and knowing that I'll eventually have to make it myself. I'm waiting for a sign from the universe, but knowing that I might ignore it when it does show itself.
Have you ever been at a crossroads like this? Each way is a dusty road that looks a little familiar. Each way could lead to home or a strange town or simply to a canyon edge, the drop-off stretching low before me.
I bet that canyon view is beautiful during a sunset.
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